The Energy in Gifts

Having a talk with someone I care for about gift giving. One thing that crosses my mind is…what energy do i give when I’m giving a gift?

Now to some giving a gift is just natural. Then I start to think deeper a little. To me its natural and genuine. However to others it means something more. They give off a wanting energy. See it comes with a price. An expectation.

As we talk more, the more I begin to wonder🤔…do i give off an energy that says I expect something in return? Receiving gifts have never been of interest to me. When you look for a gift you end up with a sense of disappointment when it doesnt show. That to me opens the door for overthinking and critiquing of yourself. I do enough overthinking on a regular day lol.

The coversation made me think of one of my birthdays. When I was little my aunt picked me up from the bus. On our way home she said I didnt have anything for my birthday this year. First I was sad, but I didn’t care. I remember saying it’s ok. I’ll have other birthdays. Dont get me wrong I was sad ni but what could I do. Nothing. Then I walked into a whole set up. I had gifts and ballons and CAKE. I was extremely happy once i saw that. Regardless that taught me to expect the unexpected but also not to expect anything.

You never know anyone’s situation or what happened to them through out life. Be that good heart and genuinely care. Genuinely show love. These days thats what the world needs. Just people to genuinely care. The world is now an even playing field. As much as some government officals and individuals dont want to see it we all are now on the same level.

Hope all had a great day. Breathe easy.

Late Thoughts

3:15 in the morning and I can’t shake this feeling. You know that feeling one may get when something is off. This nagging feeling picking at you, igniting your overthinking gears, and triggering your anxiety. Yea that feeling.

I hate that feeling. It has a number of stages depending on the way your mind goes. First it may Make you start to think things from your past. Maybe even about situations thats haven’t happened but can see the scenario so clear in my head. Almost making out feel like your crazy. Then when you discuss how your feeling, with that person your comfortable talking to, nothing comes out right. Most of the time before I talk about how I am feeling my mind dialogs the way the conversation may go. Doesnt go anything like that lol. Then the overwhelming feeling like you did something or said something wrong. Lastly left with a sense of doubt and upset for even bringing it up all while still feeling like nothing was resolved.

Yea, that’s my night. Some may not know this feeling. Some may know it well. The ending question is how to overcome it. What do i suggest?Realize your doing it. Realize your focusing on the negative and letting that negative spirit impact your mind. Then focus on the positive.

Focus on that good thing that happened that day. Or the positive that makes you smile. Realize that its all in your head. Breathe. Pray about it. Know that whats said is said and what happened. You cant change it. That feeling is there to distract you and derail you from that safe space. Dont let it. Take control.

Past is Knocking

These past few days the past as been coming back to try and haunt me. The present is causing confusion and happiness at the same time. They sa when your truly happy certain things and individuals from your past will pop up to ruin it. When evil pops up that means your on the right path to. a great destination. Well I must me on a great path, because ex’s and certain individuals/things that caused me great stress are trying to worm their way back. When it comes to situations like this I have to remember to step back and realize the good. Dont look back. I’ve thought about it and I just want to keep going forward. That even includes letting go of certain things in my present.

Day 365

As the last few hours of 2018 wind down I must say thank you. Thanks to all that have stayed for this bitch of a ride. Since the last I wrote a lot has happened. I became really sad and didnt want to write or do anything for that matter. Once I got over it, the procrastination started, then the worrying. I just became lost. The transplant evaluations were put to a hault. Well the Friday before Christmas i was told I wouldnt be put on the list. Why? Well because i dont have a working esophagus. The transplant will make ne more sick that i am. Sucks but in a way I’m relieved. I was always scared it wouldn’t take. Then that would be tragic on my end. Ive realized that it’s going to be ok though. I look at it as i was denied because it wouldn’t have worked. I have found that i have mixed connective tissue disease as well.

All 2018 I’ve been stopping myself and punishing myself for choices and overthinking and just being too concerned with the consequences thay I forgot to live. 2018 tried to take my spirit. But guess who is still here.

For 2019 I am living. I am walking away from deception, fear, self doubt, procrastination, and self sabotage. I am walking with God by my side, angels cheering me on, and love for myself.

Tales of a Lupie 7

Today was very interesting. I was able to get a lot done. I slept longer than i normally do. Maybe because I haven’t been getting a full night’s sleep. I’ve been falling asleep around 5 just for my internal alarm to wake me a few hours later. Then of course im not able to go back to sleep for one reason or another.
I also had my check up with my pulmonologist. Everything went good. Like always ima healthy sick person. However, this weight fluctuation is driving me crazy. Up and down, up and down. My weight has been more of a roller lately than my moods. I dislike taking steroids so much. This prednisone is the devil in disguise.
Anyways, once I left there I went to get yet another prescription from the pharmacy. This one for potassium. I was never the medicine taker, but now i have more pills than ever! Whatevers best i guess. After that i didn’t do much else. Just come home and relax. 11 days until evaluation week! Slowly but surely. Y’all pray for me.

Live Free. Pray. Drink Wine.

Tales of a Lupie 5

Today I went out and enjoyed life. Not just for me but for Asha. I enjoyed the sun rays, the breeze, being able to drive again, the company of my sister, and food! For those that don’t know Asha was a wonderful woman who blogged about her daily life via YouTube. She shared her daily struggles with lupus and pulmonary fibrosis (same condition as me), as well as makeup and fashion tips. As she waited for her lungs she ended up spending the last 8 months in the hospital.

As I went through the day my mind kept wondering back to Asha. She will be missed so much. I really looked forward to her posts everyday. She gave me hope and kept my mind at ease. Asha had the best spirit and knew how to make you stay positive minded and grateful for every minute of the day.

Like I’ve stated at first i wasn’t sure if I wanted my transplant. These days have proven to me I must go through with it. I have so much to live for. It’s an honor and a gift to even make it this far. I can’t stop fighting. Life is really precious and I can’t see myself giving up on it. It’s going to be a process and a lot of difficult work but my support system i great. I have nothing to fear.

Though i can’t do much now im vowing to do something different everyday. Make the most of my day. Ive been doing a really good job lately but i can do better. Take a chance everyday and enjoy the minutes. Enjoy every aspect im able to do until the day im blessed with my new lungs. Evaluation Week I’m ready for you!

Also! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MICHAEL JACKSON! 😍😍

Life Free. Pray. Drink Wine.

Random Thought

SEXUALITY

Why is it women tend to feel like a whore because they are sexual but for a guy he can feel confident and masculine. Me being the person i am im very open minded and feel like if a woman loves sex so what. Just do it safely. You shouldn’t have to hide or suppress it. Its ok.

The Simple Things

On Aug 3rd 2018 i found out i will need a double lung transplant. My lungs are severly damaged due to my intestinal lung disease caused by my lupus. Not sure how to feel in particularly about it all. I swear life really can hit you hard. So many emotions and thoughts to consider but im not going to dwell. Whatever happens, happens. I cant dwell on something i cant change. Right? . I cant be upset because its all in a plan. Ive been told the risks and the positives. Whether it’s done or nit is a gamble of life.

Focusing on the positives. Focusing on living life and staying healthy. Well as healthy as i can be. Which reminds me…any suggestions on good healthy food choices or recipes? Trying to eat right since working out is non existent for now. Well no…i wont say that. I just cant workout the way i wanna because i cant breath. Something we so naturally can be such a chore. It’s the simple things we often forget to think about because it’s so natural us. Its those things we shouldn’t forget to be grateful for in actuality.