The Energy in Gifts

Having a talk with someone I care for about gift giving. One thing that crosses my mind is…what energy do i give when I’m giving a gift?

Now to some giving a gift is just natural. Then I start to think deeper a little. To me its natural and genuine. However to others it means something more. They give off a wanting energy. See it comes with a price. An expectation.

As we talk more, the more I begin to wonder🤔…do i give off an energy that says I expect something in return? Receiving gifts have never been of interest to me. When you look for a gift you end up with a sense of disappointment when it doesnt show. That to me opens the door for overthinking and critiquing of yourself. I do enough overthinking on a regular day lol.

The coversation made me think of one of my birthdays. When I was little my aunt picked me up from the bus. On our way home she said I didnt have anything for my birthday this year. First I was sad, but I didn’t care. I remember saying it’s ok. I’ll have other birthdays. Dont get me wrong I was sad ni but what could I do. Nothing. Then I walked into a whole set up. I had gifts and ballons and CAKE. I was extremely happy once i saw that. Regardless that taught me to expect the unexpected but also not to expect anything.

You never know anyone’s situation or what happened to them through out life. Be that good heart and genuinely care. Genuinely show love. These days thats what the world needs. Just people to genuinely care. The world is now an even playing field. As much as some government officals and individuals dont want to see it we all are now on the same level.

Hope all had a great day. Breathe easy.

Lifting My Inner Vibrations

Haven’t written in a while. Some may ask why but honestly don’t know. Just haven’t had the motivation. I could blame my meds but really it’s just been me. Been letting things and situations distract me from what I want and need to focus on. I need to reenter my energy.

I sit here on Tybee and wonder where my life is going. Right now I just feel stuck. Wondering what’s next. What’s the next in store for Celeste Rene’. I feel as though I do the same thing every day. I want to feel like I’m ment to do something great again. For me to be saved I have to be here for a reason. I am suppose to do something great that benefits me, the world, and God.

I found an old diary I had and as I was reading through it, I told myself I would do all these great things that would put me aligne with my future endeavors. Realizing I haven’t done one thing I wrote for myself. Crazy right. I realize that I didnt even go in that direction with my career choice. Now I wonder if I had just stuck with it that vision, where would I be.

Recently, to kind of pass time and keep busy, I’ve tapped into activities I use to do when I was little. Like make cards and be creative trying to design things and drawing. Makes me feel good to do those again honestly. Maybe I should focus on that. Mother’s day is coming up. I should channel my inner creative side and see what I can come up with.

I need to really refocus and concentrate on myself. Easier said than done so let’s see how this goes.

Happy Birthday Mommy

Today is the day a Queen was born. Not just any Queen…My Mommy. April 7th, 1973 my mom graced this earth with her presence. She was and will always be my warrior. My mom battles Lupus and LAM for as long as I can remember. I never saw her give up though. I never saw her throw in the towel.

I try to make her proud through everything. There are times were i wish heaven had a telephone service. Just so i can hear her voice. I’ve forgotten what she sounds like. Never her laugh though. I was always there with her through eveything. I’ve still punish myself emotionally becuase in a way i let her down the day she died. I listened to my family and took a break and went with my grandad. I left the house. Her last few years were hard and I stayed closer to her like never before. The one time I let guard down she leaves this earth. I still feel responsible but I don’t let it weigh on my heart like I use to.

My mom isn’t hurting or worrying anymore and I’m grateful for that. Im grateful for the 12 years i did have with her. I am grateful I did tell her I loved her before I went out. Though physically she isn’t here spiritually she is. Hope GG and everyone throwing you the best 46th birthday bash. Im rocking for you Mommy. My number 1 lady. My Twin. My 1st best friend.

Call your moms and tell her you love her. Thank her for life and never giving up. Do it before you cant anymore.

Realization

Ive been MIA for reasons I’ll discuss in another post. This post is about the realization and the gratefulness of life. This time last year I was in my medically induced coma.

I have realized though that I’ve lost myself since. I’ve become lost. The person in that coma was too busy for life. She was too busy to stop and appreciate the life in front if her. It took a tragedy to make her realize her blessings. However I had eveything lined up and going how i wanted. Now since I’ve woken up I have become more grateful for life but lost my focus. What’s my focus now? That’s still the unanswered question. As i try to figure out an answer I continue to just be as happy as I can.

Day 365

As the last few hours of 2018 wind down I must say thank you. Thanks to all that have stayed for this bitch of a ride. Since the last I wrote a lot has happened. I became really sad and didnt want to write or do anything for that matter. Once I got over it, the procrastination started, then the worrying. I just became lost. The transplant evaluations were put to a hault. Well the Friday before Christmas i was told I wouldnt be put on the list. Why? Well because i dont have a working esophagus. The transplant will make ne more sick that i am. Sucks but in a way I’m relieved. I was always scared it wouldn’t take. Then that would be tragic on my end. Ive realized that it’s going to be ok though. I look at it as i was denied because it wouldn’t have worked. I have found that i have mixed connective tissue disease as well.

All 2018 I’ve been stopping myself and punishing myself for choices and overthinking and just being too concerned with the consequences thay I forgot to live. 2018 tried to take my spirit. But guess who is still here.

For 2019 I am living. I am walking away from deception, fear, self doubt, procrastination, and self sabotage. I am walking with God by my side, angels cheering me on, and love for myself.

TOAL 21

Hey y’all!!! Hope ya’ll weekend was good and ready to start this week right!

Well as y’all know i have my appointments at the Mayo. They went good. My neck is still a little sore but i can deal with it. It was as bad as i thought. I guess cause he double numbed my neck. That help a whole lot as well. The test came back good. All the pressures to my heart are good and its a nice size. Before they took the catheter out they also took me off my oxygen and just breath room air to see what my levels are. On room air my levels drop to 50%…but my saturation was at 82. Saturation is what keeps me from getting dizzy and passing out. That’s why i never feel it when im bottoming out.

My rheumatologist appointment went good as well. Very informative. I my have been misdiagnosed 🤦🏾‍♀️. I may have Mixed Connective Tissue Disorder. Which basically means i have a little bit of everything. Its still an autoimmune disease but if thats what it is, it can be stopped. I’ll still need the transplant but instead of it getting worse the process can be stopped. They took more blood for more test. This time the test are specific to MCT disorder. He’ll call me in a week with the results. As for the transplant. I still have one more test but they havent scheduled me for it yet.

He also said if i go vegan ill have to take more supplements and pills to make up for what my body needs…sooooo ima just eat extra healthy. Im not trying to take anymore pills🙅🏾‍♀️. Im already having to prepare myself for these 50 pills a day. Lol you thought.

All we need are the results. Lets hope fornthe best.

Live Free. Pray. Drink Wine.

TOAL 20

Hey y’all! MADE IT TO JAX. Today was nothing but smooth sailing. Did my labs and enjoyed the day. Tomorrow we begin at 7am. Not much to talk about today. Im just really nervous for the morning and just ask for prayers.

Live Free. Pray. Drink Wine.

TOAL 19

Back to Mayo in the morning. Excited but then extremely nervous. Labs tomorrow and my right heart catheter on Friday morning. Let the anxiety begin!

Today had been an up and down emotional rollercoaster. Ive been so anxious today. Since startimg this raw bbn vegan diet I’ve been feeling good and bad. Ill have all the energy until that evening then ill feel horrible. Im just trying to be healthy. Thats all I’m asking for. I figure if i can get.as heslthy as possible maybe i can reverse the illness. Worth a try right?

Well let me finish packing

Live Free. Pray. Drink Wine.

TOAL 18

Hey Y’all!!

I hope ya’ll are good. I have great and blessed news! Like I told ya’ll they may not continue testing because of my esophagus. Well! I was deffered! Which is a blessing because I wasnt denied. I am deferred for 3months until my testing is complete. Then they will take my case back to the team and discuss whether it’ll be a yay or nay. I know some probably are thinking but your not on the list still. Patience! I’m keeping all the faith I can. All I can say is I was not denied. Im going to continue these last little bit of test and see what happens.

The next test are the right heart catheter and another esophagus test. I know they said I didnt have to do the heart catheter. Unfortunately, because of the measurements looking funny to the surgeon I have to. Such a blow.

The new esophagus test is going to be me swallowing a egg, waiting a few hours, and then the doctors scanning my body to see how it passed. Doesn’t sound fun at all. Especially when i only like scrambled eggs lol. Between this and my love life I swear all I can do is keep the faith lol.

Keep me lifted with prayers.

Live Free. Pray. Drink Wine.

TOAL 17

So as of yesterday things are on hold. My last test, the esophagus test, came back bad. Apparently I have no function in my esophagus. Crazy right? How does food reach my stomach? “Gravity “. That what the doctor said. Well thank God for gravity lol. Well because of this, I may not qualify for a transplant. Its too risky for them. They will discuss it as a team and let me know Friday. If the say they’ll still do it then I’ll have two more test to take. Also, one of my stipulations would be a feeding to after transplant for the rest of my life. That will be hard but to live ill take it. Im still keeping faith because at the end of the day it’s in the Lord’s hands. I need all the prayers I can get.

Live Free. Pray. Drink Wine.