The Energy in Gifts

Having a talk with someone I care for about gift giving. One thing that crosses my mind is…what energy do i give when I’m giving a gift?

Now to some giving a gift is just natural. Then I start to think deeper a little. To me its natural and genuine. However to others it means something more. They give off a wanting energy. See it comes with a price. An expectation.

As we talk more, the more I begin to wonder🤔…do i give off an energy that says I expect something in return? Receiving gifts have never been of interest to me. When you look for a gift you end up with a sense of disappointment when it doesnt show. That to me opens the door for overthinking and critiquing of yourself. I do enough overthinking on a regular day lol.

The coversation made me think of one of my birthdays. When I was little my aunt picked me up from the bus. On our way home she said I didnt have anything for my birthday this year. First I was sad, but I didn’t care. I remember saying it’s ok. I’ll have other birthdays. Dont get me wrong I was sad ni but what could I do. Nothing. Then I walked into a whole set up. I had gifts and ballons and CAKE. I was extremely happy once i saw that. Regardless that taught me to expect the unexpected but also not to expect anything.

You never know anyone’s situation or what happened to them through out life. Be that good heart and genuinely care. Genuinely show love. These days thats what the world needs. Just people to genuinely care. The world is now an even playing field. As much as some government officals and individuals dont want to see it we all are now on the same level.

Hope all had a great day. Breathe easy.

Netflix Vibes

So this morning, the thought that came across my mind is Netflix. I feel like Netflix just says f*** your feelings when it comes to these movie endings. 😂😂

Now hear me out. Movies usually are predicting after a little while into them. The ending usually appeals to our want for happiness or relief. The girl/guy gets the person they been wanting, he/she survives, they find the missing child, etc.

NETFLIX say f*** all that 😂. Most of their movies the person dies, they don’t get the girl, the child is found but dead like🤦🏾‍♀️. Netflix gives that life doesn’t go how you want it. Most movies and shows i appreciate it. Keeps me humble. Other times I’m just like damn man! Keep you on your toes i tell ya.

Well ok. Rant over lol. Have a great day!

Quarantine

Day whatever of Quarantine. This quarantine thing doesn’t really change anything for me. It’s only made things in my city more beneficial for me. Even more places are curbside, which is a big plus. Since I was always suppose to wear masks when I went out, Rona makes it less uncomfortable. How you may ask? Well Rona has normalized it. Everyone doesn’t stare cause your wearing one. Less anxiety on my part.

Everyone complains they can’t go out but I couldn’t anyway. I still ride around town and keep my distance from everyone. I dont get to see my best friends and god children like I want, but that’s only temporary. To me I feel like Rona is giving everyone a taste of a chronically ill person’s perspective. It’s also making people remember when things were simple. It’s helping parents actually get to know their kids. Opening young adult eyes to how hard their parents actually work. I hate this virus but also amazed at the good it’s causing.

Just my thought.

New Beginnings

A person is entitled to having a moment. That moment where they just step away from all things to reanalyze what the hell they are doing. That has been me. I’ve felt lost. Like I lost myself and didnt know how to function. I have been extremely dumb. I’ve let individuals, who I can see don’t mean me any good, influence my mind and feelings. I’ve lost touch with reality and used my mind to convince myself to see this illusion. I stopped listening to my intuition and I went blind. I became stuck in wanting something I should have given up on a long fucking time ago.

Now I’m at a fuck it stage. Fuck it all. I’m tired of not being me. Well feeling like I’m hiding myself from reality. You ever just miss yourself. Like the old you. When you where truly happy. There are people that haven’t felt that since they were kids. Me I’ve always been happy. Well my definition of happy at least.

I miss me and it’s time I reconnect with her. I’m on a new journey to becoming an independent “disable”. Tapping into a new world with new blessings and beginnings.

I Shall continue to Say Fuck It.

Happy Mother’s Day 💜

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL THE MOMMIES. WHETHER THEY ARE HERE ON EARTH OR IN HEAVEN. WHETHER YOUR FIGHTING AN ILLNESS OR HEALTHY AS EVER💜🥰😘😘

Today is the day we give a special recognition to the woman who are ans act like mothers. They are there nop master what. Good or bad. I’m grateful for all the woman in my life. They have stepped up to the plate to make sure I still have that mother figure. My mommy isn’t here physically but she is spiritually.

Don’t just use Mother’s day as the day you show love to these special women.

May 7th, 2019

On this day 3 years ago I graduate with my Bachelors.😱🥰💜 Can toy believe it? Man. One of the best days of my life. I wish I could go back sometimes. This would definitely be a moment I’d go back to.

Shows how much can change in an instant. Cherish the moments. It’s really important. Remember not to take things for granted. Especially not the ability to breathe. Take a deep breathe every chance you can.

Happy Birthday Mommy

Today is the day a Queen was born. Not just any Queen…My Mommy. April 7th, 1973 my mom graced this earth with her presence. She was and will always be my warrior. My mom battles Lupus and LAM for as long as I can remember. I never saw her give up though. I never saw her throw in the towel.

I try to make her proud through everything. There are times were i wish heaven had a telephone service. Just so i can hear her voice. I’ve forgotten what she sounds like. Never her laugh though. I was always there with her through eveything. I’ve still punish myself emotionally becuase in a way i let her down the day she died. I listened to my family and took a break and went with my grandad. I left the house. Her last few years were hard and I stayed closer to her like never before. The one time I let guard down she leaves this earth. I still feel responsible but I don’t let it weigh on my heart like I use to.

My mom isn’t hurting or worrying anymore and I’m grateful for that. Im grateful for the 12 years i did have with her. I am grateful I did tell her I loved her before I went out. Though physically she isn’t here spiritually she is. Hope GG and everyone throwing you the best 46th birthday bash. Im rocking for you Mommy. My number 1 lady. My Twin. My 1st best friend.

Call your moms and tell her you love her. Thank her for life and never giving up. Do it before you cant anymore.

Realization

Ive been MIA for reasons I’ll discuss in another post. This post is about the realization and the gratefulness of life. This time last year I was in my medically induced coma.

I have realized though that I’ve lost myself since. I’ve become lost. The person in that coma was too busy for life. She was too busy to stop and appreciate the life in front if her. It took a tragedy to make her realize her blessings. However I had eveything lined up and going how i wanted. Now since I’ve woken up I have become more grateful for life but lost my focus. What’s my focus now? That’s still the unanswered question. As i try to figure out an answer I continue to just be as happy as I can.

The Let Go

Letting go with no warning is the most tragic thing that could be done. Cold Turkey Love I call it. That is me today. Been feeling this decision for months and today i just had enough.

I love hard because I’m a passionate kind of person 💜. For so long I ran from it because I was afraid of my love not being returned. Can’t keep running from who I am. I don’t make quick decisions when it comes to my love for someone. My decision to love someone means you become a part of my soul forever and that attachment is not easily broken. I love with no expectations because sometimes people aren’t in a place to love others, but they need all they can. You also have those peole that are still healing from a damaged relationships. Relationships that left them in shambles and they really need that friend.

I know how it feels on many occassions. There are times when I really need love but I am not in the capacity to reciprocate it.

This was on my heart for this morning because today i let go of that person. That person I wanted to be there forever but deep down knew i couldnt. That person that i fell in love with and will be forever apart of my soul. They are someone who is afraid to love because of their past hurt. Ive learned to love regardless. I cant be a robot amd hide my emotions. That’s not who I am. Tired of acting like I can be that person. Its just driving me crazy.

If your going through that and conflicted with letting go, let it motivate you more than anything. It hurts sometimes, but it’s better to live a life filled with love than live a life with regrets of not loving enough.

Pass the Message

Hey Ya’ll!!!👋🏾

Today I sat in the park. No real reason, just to be alone and in my own thoughts. I felt the need to surround myself with my own energy and embrace myself.

Anyways, as I sat I saw a mother posing as her daughter took pictures of her. Her daughter yelled “beautiful mama” then ran to show her the phone. You can tell by the look on the moms face her daughters words meant the world to her. It makes you think about the smallest gestures and how they can brighten the soul.

Its ok to let people know they are beautiful. Or handsome lol. Society sexualizes just avour everything amd makes it seem like everything is part of flirting. If society only realized that a simple comment can change a person’s life for the better, more people would speak to one another. Take the time and let someone know they are beautiful. Make a day.