The Energy in Gifts

Having a talk with someone I care for about gift giving. One thing that crosses my mind is…what energy do i give when I’m giving a gift?

Now to some giving a gift is just natural. Then I start to think deeper a little. To me its natural and genuine. However to others it means something more. They give off a wanting energy. See it comes with a price. An expectation.

As we talk more, the more I begin to wonder🤔…do i give off an energy that says I expect something in return? Receiving gifts have never been of interest to me. When you look for a gift you end up with a sense of disappointment when it doesnt show. That to me opens the door for overthinking and critiquing of yourself. I do enough overthinking on a regular day lol.

The coversation made me think of one of my birthdays. When I was little my aunt picked me up from the bus. On our way home she said I didnt have anything for my birthday this year. First I was sad, but I didn’t care. I remember saying it’s ok. I’ll have other birthdays. Dont get me wrong I was sad ni but what could I do. Nothing. Then I walked into a whole set up. I had gifts and ballons and CAKE. I was extremely happy once i saw that. Regardless that taught me to expect the unexpected but also not to expect anything.

You never know anyone’s situation or what happened to them through out life. Be that good heart and genuinely care. Genuinely show love. These days thats what the world needs. Just people to genuinely care. The world is now an even playing field. As much as some government officals and individuals dont want to see it we all are now on the same level.

Hope all had a great day. Breathe easy.

Late Thoughts

3:15 in the morning and I can’t shake this feeling. You know that feeling one may get when something is off. This nagging feeling picking at you, igniting your overthinking gears, and triggering your anxiety. Yea that feeling.

I hate that feeling. It has a number of stages depending on the way your mind goes. First it may Make you start to think things from your past. Maybe even about situations thats haven’t happened but can see the scenario so clear in my head. Almost making out feel like your crazy. Then when you discuss how your feeling, with that person your comfortable talking to, nothing comes out right. Most of the time before I talk about how I am feeling my mind dialogs the way the conversation may go. Doesnt go anything like that lol. Then the overwhelming feeling like you did something or said something wrong. Lastly left with a sense of doubt and upset for even bringing it up all while still feeling like nothing was resolved.

Yea, that’s my night. Some may not know this feeling. Some may know it well. The ending question is how to overcome it. What do i suggest?Realize your doing it. Realize your focusing on the negative and letting that negative spirit impact your mind. Then focus on the positive.

Focus on that good thing that happened that day. Or the positive that makes you smile. Realize that its all in your head. Breathe. Pray about it. Know that whats said is said and what happened. You cant change it. That feeling is there to distract you and derail you from that safe space. Dont let it. Take control.

Stop!

Good Morning My Good People!!! It’s FRIDAY‼ Now before we get too productive in our day I need you to stop and look in the mirror… You Looking? Good!…You See that beautiful majestic individual looking back.  That person is 🔥🔥. Out here looking all good, inspirational, and determine. Relax your shoulders and unclench your jaw. Now go rock your day.
Have a great day!

Netflix Vibes

So this morning, the thought that came across my mind is Netflix. I feel like Netflix just says f*** your feelings when it comes to these movie endings. 😂😂

Now hear me out. Movies usually are predicting after a little while into them. The ending usually appeals to our want for happiness or relief. The girl/guy gets the person they been wanting, he/she survives, they find the missing child, etc.

NETFLIX say f*** all that 😂. Most of their movies the person dies, they don’t get the girl, the child is found but dead like🤦🏾‍♀️. Netflix gives that life doesn’t go how you want it. Most movies and shows i appreciate it. Keeps me humble. Other times I’m just like damn man! Keep you on your toes i tell ya.

Well ok. Rant over lol. Have a great day!

New Beginnings

A person is entitled to having a moment. That moment where they just step away from all things to reanalyze what the hell they are doing. That has been me. I’ve felt lost. Like I lost myself and didnt know how to function. I have been extremely dumb. I’ve let individuals, who I can see don’t mean me any good, influence my mind and feelings. I’ve lost touch with reality and used my mind to convince myself to see this illusion. I stopped listening to my intuition and I went blind. I became stuck in wanting something I should have given up on a long fucking time ago.

Now I’m at a fuck it stage. Fuck it all. I’m tired of not being me. Well feeling like I’m hiding myself from reality. You ever just miss yourself. Like the old you. When you where truly happy. There are people that haven’t felt that since they were kids. Me I’ve always been happy. Well my definition of happy at least.

I miss me and it’s time I reconnect with her. I’m on a new journey to becoming an independent “disable”. Tapping into a new world with new blessings and beginnings.

I Shall continue to Say Fuck It.

Happy Mother’s Day 💜

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL THE MOMMIES. WHETHER THEY ARE HERE ON EARTH OR IN HEAVEN. WHETHER YOUR FIGHTING AN ILLNESS OR HEALTHY AS EVER💜🥰😘😘

Today is the day we give a special recognition to the woman who are ans act like mothers. They are there nop master what. Good or bad. I’m grateful for all the woman in my life. They have stepped up to the plate to make sure I still have that mother figure. My mommy isn’t here physically but she is spiritually.

Don’t just use Mother’s day as the day you show love to these special women.

May 7th, 2019

On this day 3 years ago I graduate with my Bachelors.😱🥰💜 Can toy believe it? Man. One of the best days of my life. I wish I could go back sometimes. This would definitely be a moment I’d go back to.

Shows how much can change in an instant. Cherish the moments. It’s really important. Remember not to take things for granted. Especially not the ability to breathe. Take a deep breathe every chance you can.

Realization

Ive been MIA for reasons I’ll discuss in another post. This post is about the realization and the gratefulness of life. This time last year I was in my medically induced coma.

I have realized though that I’ve lost myself since. I’ve become lost. The person in that coma was too busy for life. She was too busy to stop and appreciate the life in front if her. It took a tragedy to make her realize her blessings. However I had eveything lined up and going how i wanted. Now since I’ve woken up I have become more grateful for life but lost my focus. What’s my focus now? That’s still the unanswered question. As i try to figure out an answer I continue to just be as happy as I can.

Destined for Greatness

Of Course I Struggle…I Just Dont Quite. Thats Not An Option.
Do not allow anyone to tell you that you can not do something. Im choosing to believe in myself and not accept the disrespect and challenges thats been thrown at me.
2019 is the year of greatness💜

#lupuswarrior
#2019 #lupuswarrior #mixedconnectivetissuedisease

The Let Go

Letting go with no warning is the most tragic thing that could be done. Cold Turkey Love I call it. That is me today. Been feeling this decision for months and today i just had enough.

I love hard because I’m a passionate kind of person 💜. For so long I ran from it because I was afraid of my love not being returned. Can’t keep running from who I am. I don’t make quick decisions when it comes to my love for someone. My decision to love someone means you become a part of my soul forever and that attachment is not easily broken. I love with no expectations because sometimes people aren’t in a place to love others, but they need all they can. You also have those peole that are still healing from a damaged relationships. Relationships that left them in shambles and they really need that friend.

I know how it feels on many occassions. There are times when I really need love but I am not in the capacity to reciprocate it.

This was on my heart for this morning because today i let go of that person. That person I wanted to be there forever but deep down knew i couldnt. That person that i fell in love with and will be forever apart of my soul. They are someone who is afraid to love because of their past hurt. Ive learned to love regardless. I cant be a robot amd hide my emotions. That’s not who I am. Tired of acting like I can be that person. Its just driving me crazy.

If your going through that and conflicted with letting go, let it motivate you more than anything. It hurts sometimes, but it’s better to live a life filled with love than live a life with regrets of not loving enough.