The Energy in Gifts

Having a talk with someone I care for about gift giving. One thing that crosses my mind is…what energy do i give when I’m giving a gift?

Now to some giving a gift is just natural. Then I start to think deeper a little. To me its natural and genuine. However to others it means something more. They give off a wanting energy. See it comes with a price. An expectation.

As we talk more, the more I begin to wonder🤔…do i give off an energy that says I expect something in return? Receiving gifts have never been of interest to me. When you look for a gift you end up with a sense of disappointment when it doesnt show. That to me opens the door for overthinking and critiquing of yourself. I do enough overthinking on a regular day lol.

The coversation made me think of one of my birthdays. When I was little my aunt picked me up from the bus. On our way home she said I didnt have anything for my birthday this year. First I was sad, but I didn’t care. I remember saying it’s ok. I’ll have other birthdays. Dont get me wrong I was sad ni but what could I do. Nothing. Then I walked into a whole set up. I had gifts and ballons and CAKE. I was extremely happy once i saw that. Regardless that taught me to expect the unexpected but also not to expect anything.

You never know anyone’s situation or what happened to them through out life. Be that good heart and genuinely care. Genuinely show love. These days thats what the world needs. Just people to genuinely care. The world is now an even playing field. As much as some government officals and individuals dont want to see it we all are now on the same level.

Hope all had a great day. Breathe easy.

Stop!

Good Morning My Good People!!! It’s FRIDAY‼ Now before we get too productive in our day I need you to stop and look in the mirror… You Looking? Good!…You See that beautiful majestic individual looking back.  That person is 🔥🔥. Out here looking all good, inspirational, and determine. Relax your shoulders and unclench your jaw. Now go rock your day.
Have a great day!

Quarantine

Day whatever of Quarantine. This quarantine thing doesn’t really change anything for me. It’s only made things in my city more beneficial for me. Even more places are curbside, which is a big plus. Since I was always suppose to wear masks when I went out, Rona makes it less uncomfortable. How you may ask? Well Rona has normalized it. Everyone doesn’t stare cause your wearing one. Less anxiety on my part.

Everyone complains they can’t go out but I couldn’t anyway. I still ride around town and keep my distance from everyone. I dont get to see my best friends and god children like I want, but that’s only temporary. To me I feel like Rona is giving everyone a taste of a chronically ill person’s perspective. It’s also making people remember when things were simple. It’s helping parents actually get to know their kids. Opening young adult eyes to how hard their parents actually work. I hate this virus but also amazed at the good it’s causing.

Just my thought.

Lifting My Inner Vibrations

Haven’t written in a while. Some may ask why but honestly don’t know. Just haven’t had the motivation. I could blame my meds but really it’s just been me. Been letting things and situations distract me from what I want and need to focus on. I need to reenter my energy.

I sit here on Tybee and wonder where my life is going. Right now I just feel stuck. Wondering what’s next. What’s the next in store for Celeste Rene’. I feel as though I do the same thing every day. I want to feel like I’m ment to do something great again. For me to be saved I have to be here for a reason. I am suppose to do something great that benefits me, the world, and God.

I found an old diary I had and as I was reading through it, I told myself I would do all these great things that would put me aligne with my future endeavors. Realizing I haven’t done one thing I wrote for myself. Crazy right. I realize that I didnt even go in that direction with my career choice. Now I wonder if I had just stuck with it that vision, where would I be.

Recently, to kind of pass time and keep busy, I’ve tapped into activities I use to do when I was little. Like make cards and be creative trying to design things and drawing. Makes me feel good to do those again honestly. Maybe I should focus on that. Mother’s day is coming up. I should channel my inner creative side and see what I can come up with.

I need to really refocus and concentrate on myself. Easier said than done so let’s see how this goes.

Day 365

As the last few hours of 2018 wind down I must say thank you. Thanks to all that have stayed for this bitch of a ride. Since the last I wrote a lot has happened. I became really sad and didnt want to write or do anything for that matter. Once I got over it, the procrastination started, then the worrying. I just became lost. The transplant evaluations were put to a hault. Well the Friday before Christmas i was told I wouldnt be put on the list. Why? Well because i dont have a working esophagus. The transplant will make ne more sick that i am. Sucks but in a way I’m relieved. I was always scared it wouldn’t take. Then that would be tragic on my end. Ive realized that it’s going to be ok though. I look at it as i was denied because it wouldn’t have worked. I have found that i have mixed connective tissue disease as well.

All 2018 I’ve been stopping myself and punishing myself for choices and overthinking and just being too concerned with the consequences thay I forgot to live. 2018 tried to take my spirit. But guess who is still here.

For 2019 I am living. I am walking away from deception, fear, self doubt, procrastination, and self sabotage. I am walking with God by my side, angels cheering me on, and love for myself.

TOAL 23: TIRED

Hey y’all! So let me vent for a second. Im tired. Extremely tired. Of EVERYTHING! Todsy I’ve been feeling so anxious and just unsteady. My mind is running through so many thoughts. Some things are pointless and shouldn’t be a concerned about and some are. I’m tirednof being sick, tired of reliving the past, tired of wishing i could do certain things and wishing i would have dinee certain things. Today ive stopped and prayed so many times to stop myself from crying. Im just tired. I dont wanna show weakness to those around me so i act like im fine. I dont think anyone would understand how im feeling. Its all over the place.

The only thing right now that bringing me any sense of happiness right now is my god daughter. She really does keep me sane.

I just wanna focus on one thing. Lord I pray for your guidance and ask.that you continue to hold me in your arms.

Live Free. Pray. Drink Wine

TOAL 22: Homecoming!

Hey Y’all!!! Godd Morning! So guess what this week is!… it’s HOMECOMING! I absolutely love homecoming season. This week is my high school homecoming and tonight is our game. Tuesday was my sister’s senior night. She is one of the best volleyball players ever! Senior night, for those that don’t know, is when the seniors in fall and spring activities are recognized. Im really proud of my baby.

Yesterday, we had what we call Welcome Home Johnson. This is where all the extracurricular activities perform for alumni. It went good. Not much participation from alumni this year but as always the game is really what we wait for.

This week I’ve been hesitant and anxious with going to things. Mainly because of my oxygen and the fact that nobody has seen me. Nobody at my high school knows what’s going on. Ive been worried about all the questions, stares, my medicine weight, and being treated like I’m incapable.

My worries were proven correct to a certain extent. My favorite teacher of course was about to cry after telling her what happen. I expected sadness but i didn’t expect to be told they’d like to see more of me. That surprised me. It really has me thinking.

Me being a band geek of course I’m all for the band. I miss it so. The music, dancers, color guard, bonds,etc. I’m here for it all. I really want to go to the game but not trying to carry my oxygen tank up the stands. I already get tired after walking for too long. Yea not going to work. I can hear the game from my house anyway. Lol.

Well y’all I’ll keep you posted on eveything. Still no word on my last transplant evaluation test. They are making me do nervous. Until next time.

Live Free. Pray. Drink Wine.

TOAL 21

Hey y’all!!! Hope ya’ll weekend was good and ready to start this week right!

Well as y’all know i have my appointments at the Mayo. They went good. My neck is still a little sore but i can deal with it. It was as bad as i thought. I guess cause he double numbed my neck. That help a whole lot as well. The test came back good. All the pressures to my heart are good and its a nice size. Before they took the catheter out they also took me off my oxygen and just breath room air to see what my levels are. On room air my levels drop to 50%…but my saturation was at 82. Saturation is what keeps me from getting dizzy and passing out. That’s why i never feel it when im bottoming out.

My rheumatologist appointment went good as well. Very informative. I my have been misdiagnosed 🤦🏾‍♀️. I may have Mixed Connective Tissue Disorder. Which basically means i have a little bit of everything. Its still an autoimmune disease but if thats what it is, it can be stopped. I’ll still need the transplant but instead of it getting worse the process can be stopped. They took more blood for more test. This time the test are specific to MCT disorder. He’ll call me in a week with the results. As for the transplant. I still have one more test but they havent scheduled me for it yet.

He also said if i go vegan ill have to take more supplements and pills to make up for what my body needs…sooooo ima just eat extra healthy. Im not trying to take anymore pills🙅🏾‍♀️. Im already having to prepare myself for these 50 pills a day. Lol you thought.

All we need are the results. Lets hope fornthe best.

Live Free. Pray. Drink Wine.

TOAL 20

Hey y’all! MADE IT TO JAX. Today was nothing but smooth sailing. Did my labs and enjoyed the day. Tomorrow we begin at 7am. Not much to talk about today. Im just really nervous for the morning and just ask for prayers.

Live Free. Pray. Drink Wine.

TOAL 19

Back to Mayo in the morning. Excited but then extremely nervous. Labs tomorrow and my right heart catheter on Friday morning. Let the anxiety begin!

Today had been an up and down emotional rollercoaster. Ive been so anxious today. Since startimg this raw bbn vegan diet I’ve been feeling good and bad. Ill have all the energy until that evening then ill feel horrible. Im just trying to be healthy. Thats all I’m asking for. I figure if i can get.as heslthy as possible maybe i can reverse the illness. Worth a try right?

Well let me finish packing

Live Free. Pray. Drink Wine.