Free Energy

It’s late and I’m still up. Lately I’ve been criticized for being up late. “Your body needs rest” “ You shouldn’t be up late” “You need to set work boundaries” I feel like I have more people telling me what I need to do than actually listening to the reason why I Do things. No one seems to understand I work best at night. My mind is in constant overdrive because I overthink and let my anxiety take over my mind. At night I have this burst of creativity and energy that I’ve been trying find during daytime.

My body calms when the world is still. I can’t get anything done because during the day because I don’t want to be inside. When is pretty and the sun is out I just want to be free. It’s something about the sun that keeps my out. People think I’m out overly exerting myself and that’s not it. They think I just don’t like to be home. I mean of course I say I just don’t want to be home. But if they knew the real reason would they understand. Being in a hospital room for weeks and not being spewed to leave or feel the sun is depressing. To not know when you can go home or just to step outside. I don’t know. I sounds word but I panic at the thought of not being on the go. To not be able to do what you want and go see the world. I just have to go somewhere.

So that leaves night time. Night time for my creativity to thrive. Night time just shows me to be in my own zone. Call me crazy but I can’t help it. I can let my creative energy run free.

The Energy in Gifts

Having a talk with someone I care for about gift giving. One thing that crosses my mind is…what energy do i give when I’m giving a gift?

Now to some giving a gift is just natural. Then I start to think deeper a little. To me its natural and genuine. However to others it means something more. They give off a wanting energy. See it comes with a price. An expectation.

As we talk more, the more I begin to wonder🤔…do i give off an energy that says I expect something in return? Receiving gifts have never been of interest to me. When you look for a gift you end up with a sense of disappointment when it doesnt show. That to me opens the door for overthinking and critiquing of yourself. I do enough overthinking on a regular day lol.

The coversation made me think of one of my birthdays. When I was little my aunt picked me up from the bus. On our way home she said I didnt have anything for my birthday this year. First I was sad, but I didn’t care. I remember saying it’s ok. I’ll have other birthdays. Dont get me wrong I was sad ni but what could I do. Nothing. Then I walked into a whole set up. I had gifts and ballons and CAKE. I was extremely happy once i saw that. Regardless that taught me to expect the unexpected but also not to expect anything.

You never know anyone’s situation or what happened to them through out life. Be that good heart and genuinely care. Genuinely show love. These days thats what the world needs. Just people to genuinely care. The world is now an even playing field. As much as some government officals and individuals dont want to see it we all are now on the same level.

Hope all had a great day. Breathe easy.

Late Thoughts

3:15 in the morning and I can’t shake this feeling. You know that feeling one may get when something is off. This nagging feeling picking at you, igniting your overthinking gears, and triggering your anxiety. Yea that feeling.

I hate that feeling. It has a number of stages depending on the way your mind goes. First it may Make you start to think things from your past. Maybe even about situations thats haven’t happened but can see the scenario so clear in my head. Almost making out feel like your crazy. Then when you discuss how your feeling, with that person your comfortable talking to, nothing comes out right. Most of the time before I talk about how I am feeling my mind dialogs the way the conversation may go. Doesnt go anything like that lol. Then the overwhelming feeling like you did something or said something wrong. Lastly left with a sense of doubt and upset for even bringing it up all while still feeling like nothing was resolved.

Yea, that’s my night. Some may not know this feeling. Some may know it well. The ending question is how to overcome it. What do i suggest?Realize your doing it. Realize your focusing on the negative and letting that negative spirit impact your mind. Then focus on the positive.

Focus on that good thing that happened that day. Or the positive that makes you smile. Realize that its all in your head. Breathe. Pray about it. Know that whats said is said and what happened. You cant change it. That feeling is there to distract you and derail you from that safe space. Dont let it. Take control.

Thursday April 30th

Good Morning My Good People!! It’s Thursday for those that have lost track of the days of the week lol! We have made it through April! YESSUH! Just getitng my Rituxan Infusion.
Remember to think positive. Having a negative mindset or a lack of motivation can truly be detrimental. Truly believe the words you speak & live by what you’re speaking over yourself.
Have a great day!

Stop!

Good Morning My Good People!!! It’s FRIDAY‼ Now before we get too productive in our day I need you to stop and look in the mirror… You Looking? Good!…You See that beautiful majestic individual looking back.  That person is 🔥🔥. Out here looking all good, inspirational, and determine. Relax your shoulders and unclench your jaw. Now go rock your day.
Have a great day!

Netflix Vibes

So this morning, the thought that came across my mind is Netflix. I feel like Netflix just says f*** your feelings when it comes to these movie endings. 😂😂

Now hear me out. Movies usually are predicting after a little while into them. The ending usually appeals to our want for happiness or relief. The girl/guy gets the person they been wanting, he/she survives, they find the missing child, etc.

NETFLIX say f*** all that 😂. Most of their movies the person dies, they don’t get the girl, the child is found but dead like🤦🏾‍♀️. Netflix gives that life doesn’t go how you want it. Most movies and shows i appreciate it. Keeps me humble. Other times I’m just like damn man! Keep you on your toes i tell ya.

Well ok. Rant over lol. Have a great day!

Quarantine

Day whatever of Quarantine. This quarantine thing doesn’t really change anything for me. It’s only made things in my city more beneficial for me. Even more places are curbside, which is a big plus. Since I was always suppose to wear masks when I went out, Rona makes it less uncomfortable. How you may ask? Well Rona has normalized it. Everyone doesn’t stare cause your wearing one. Less anxiety on my part.

Everyone complains they can’t go out but I couldn’t anyway. I still ride around town and keep my distance from everyone. I dont get to see my best friends and god children like I want, but that’s only temporary. To me I feel like Rona is giving everyone a taste of a chronically ill person’s perspective. It’s also making people remember when things were simple. It’s helping parents actually get to know their kids. Opening young adult eyes to how hard their parents actually work. I hate this virus but also amazed at the good it’s causing.

Just my thought.

#ADAM

March is Autoimmune Disease Awareness Month. For those that dont know I have Lupus, Mixed Connective Tissue Disorder, Pulmonary Fibrosis, Raynauds  Syndrome and Beta  Thalassemia Anemia. Lupus is an autoimmune disease where my immune system attacks itself. MCTD is a branch of lupus. It is a mixture of different autoimmune diseases that overlap each other and affects my Connective Tissues. PF is scarring of the lungs. Hence my need for oxygen. Raynauds Syndrome is when my hands turn blue because I’m too cold and my oxygen decreases. BTA deals with a decrease in the production of hemoglobin and shortage of red blood cells. I have many symptoms ( biggest one being my chronic cough) but there are individuals that have it harder. I dont let any of it stop me from seeing the bright side of things. As the situation with Rona continues I hope everyone is being careful. There are individuals like me and  even worse than me. Some dont even look like anything is wrong. Take precaution.
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#MCTD #raredisease #raynardssyndrome #lupuswarrior #Warrior #lupus #lupusawareness #mctdsupport #march #ADAM #autoimmune #PF #coronavirus #Rona #pulmonaryfibrosis #health  #mixedconnectivetissuedisease #interstitiallungdisease #awarness #anemia #betathalassemia #chronicillness #chronicloveclub #fatique #staysafe #chroniccough #washyourhands

New Beginnings

A person is entitled to having a moment. That moment where they just step away from all things to reanalyze what the hell they are doing. That has been me. I’ve felt lost. Like I lost myself and didnt know how to function. I have been extremely dumb. I’ve let individuals, who I can see don’t mean me any good, influence my mind and feelings. I’ve lost touch with reality and used my mind to convince myself to see this illusion. I stopped listening to my intuition and I went blind. I became stuck in wanting something I should have given up on a long fucking time ago.

Now I’m at a fuck it stage. Fuck it all. I’m tired of not being me. Well feeling like I’m hiding myself from reality. You ever just miss yourself. Like the old you. When you where truly happy. There are people that haven’t felt that since they were kids. Me I’ve always been happy. Well my definition of happy at least.

I miss me and it’s time I reconnect with her. I’m on a new journey to becoming an independent “disable”. Tapping into a new world with new blessings and beginnings.

I Shall continue to Say Fuck It.

Happy Mother’s Day 💜

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL THE MOMMIES. WHETHER THEY ARE HERE ON EARTH OR IN HEAVEN. WHETHER YOUR FIGHTING AN ILLNESS OR HEALTHY AS EVER💜🥰😘😘

Today is the day we give a special recognition to the woman who are ans act like mothers. They are there nop master what. Good or bad. I’m grateful for all the woman in my life. They have stepped up to the plate to make sure I still have that mother figure. My mommy isn’t here physically but she is spiritually.

Don’t just use Mother’s day as the day you show love to these special women.