The Energy in Gifts

Having a talk with someone I care for about gift giving. One thing that crosses my mind is…what energy do i give when I’m giving a gift?

Now to some giving a gift is just natural. Then I start to think deeper a little. To me its natural and genuine. However to others it means something more. They give off a wanting energy. See it comes with a price. An expectation.

As we talk more, the more I begin to wonder🤔…do i give off an energy that says I expect something in return? Receiving gifts have never been of interest to me. When you look for a gift you end up with a sense of disappointment when it doesnt show. That to me opens the door for overthinking and critiquing of yourself. I do enough overthinking on a regular day lol.

The coversation made me think of one of my birthdays. When I was little my aunt picked me up from the bus. On our way home she said I didnt have anything for my birthday this year. First I was sad, but I didn’t care. I remember saying it’s ok. I’ll have other birthdays. Dont get me wrong I was sad ni but what could I do. Nothing. Then I walked into a whole set up. I had gifts and ballons and CAKE. I was extremely happy once i saw that. Regardless that taught me to expect the unexpected but also not to expect anything.

You never know anyone’s situation or what happened to them through out life. Be that good heart and genuinely care. Genuinely show love. These days thats what the world needs. Just people to genuinely care. The world is now an even playing field. As much as some government officals and individuals dont want to see it we all are now on the same level.

Hope all had a great day. Breathe easy.

May 14, 2020 0

Late Thoughts

3:15 in the morning and I can’t shake this feeling. You know that feeling one may get when something is off. This nagging feeling picking at you, igniting your overthinking gears, and triggering your anxiety. Yea that feeling.

I hate that feeling. It has a number of stages depending on the way your mind goes. First it may Make you start to think things from your past. Maybe even about situations thats haven’t happened but can see the scenario so clear in my head. Almost making out feel like your crazy. Then when you discuss how your feeling, with that person your comfortable talking to, nothing comes out right. Most of the time before I talk about how I am feeling my mind dialogs the way the conversation may go. Doesnt go anything like that lol. Then the overwhelming feeling like you did something or said something wrong. Lastly left with a sense of doubt and upset for even bringing it up all while still feeling like nothing was resolved.

Yea, that’s my night. Some may not know this feeling. Some may know it well. The ending question is how to overcome it. What do i suggest?Realize your doing it. Realize your focusing on the negative and letting that negative spirit impact your mind. Then focus on the positive.

Focus on that good thing that happened that day. Or the positive that makes you smile. Realize that its all in your head. Breathe. Pray about it. Know that whats said is said and what happened. You cant change it. That feeling is there to distract you and derail you from that safe space. Dont let it. Take control.

May 3, 2020 0

New Beginnings

A person is entitled to having a moment. That moment where they just step away from all things to reanalyze what the hell they are doing. That has been me. I’ve felt lost. Like I lost myself and didnt know how to function. I have been extremely dumb. I’ve let individuals, who I can see don’t mean me any good, influence my mind and feelings. I’ve lost touch with reality and used my mind to convince myself to see this illusion. I stopped listening to my intuition and I went blind. I became stuck in wanting something I should have given up on a long fucking time ago.

Now I’m at a fuck it stage. Fuck it all. I’m tired of not being me. Well feeling like I’m hiding myself from reality. You ever just miss yourself. Like the old you. When you where truly happy. There are people that haven’t felt that since they were kids. Me I’ve always been happy. Well my definition of happy at least.

I miss me and it’s time I reconnect with her. I’m on a new journey to becoming an independent “disable”. Tapping into a new world with new blessings and beginnings.

I Shall continue to Say Fuck It.

May 21, 2019 0

Happy Mother’s Day 💜

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL THE MOMMIES. WHETHER THEY ARE HERE ON EARTH OR IN HEAVEN. WHETHER YOUR FIGHTING AN ILLNESS OR HEALTHY AS EVER💜🥰😘😘

Today is the day we give a special recognition to the woman who are ans act like mothers. They are there nop master what. Good or bad. I’m grateful for all the woman in my life. They have stepped up to the plate to make sure I still have that mother figure. My mommy isn’t here physically but she is spiritually.

Don’t just use Mother’s day as the day you show love to these special women.

May 13, 2019 0

Happy Birthday Mommy

Today is the day a Queen was born. Not just any Queen…My Mommy. April 7th, 1973 my mom graced this earth with her presence. She was and will always be my warrior. My mom battles Lupus and LAM for as long as I can remember. I never saw her give up though. I never saw her throw in the towel.

I try to make her proud through everything. There are times were i wish heaven had a telephone service. Just so i can hear her voice. I’ve forgotten what she sounds like. Never her laugh though. I was always there with her through eveything. I’ve still punish myself emotionally becuase in a way i let her down the day she died. I listened to my family and took a break and went with my grandad. I left the house. Her last few years were hard and I stayed closer to her like never before. The one time I let guard down she leaves this earth. I still feel responsible but I don’t let it weigh on my heart like I use to.

My mom isn’t hurting or worrying anymore and I’m grateful for that. Im grateful for the 12 years i did have with her. I am grateful I did tell her I loved her before I went out. Though physically she isn’t here spiritually she is. Hope GG and everyone throwing you the best 46th birthday bash. Im rocking for you Mommy. My number 1 lady. My Twin. My 1st best friend.

Call your moms and tell her you love her. Thank her for life and never giving up. Do it before you cant anymore.

April 7, 2019 0

Realization

Ive been MIA for reasons I’ll discuss in another post. This post is about the realization and the gratefulness of life. This time last year I was in my medically induced coma.

I have realized though that I’ve lost myself since. I’ve become lost. The person in that coma was too busy for life. She was too busy to stop and appreciate the life in front if her. It took a tragedy to make her realize her blessings. However I had eveything lined up and going how i wanted. Now since I’ve woken up I have become more grateful for life but lost my focus. What’s my focus now? That’s still the unanswered question. As i try to figure out an answer I continue to just be as happy as I can.

April 5, 2019 0

The Let Go

Letting go with no warning is the most tragic thing that could be done. Cold Turkey Love I call it. That is me today. Been feeling this decision for months and today i just had enough.

I love hard because I’m a passionate kind of person 💜. For so long I ran from it because I was afraid of my love not being returned. Can’t keep running from who I am. I don’t make quick decisions when it comes to my love for someone. My decision to love someone means you become a part of my soul forever and that attachment is not easily broken. I love with no expectations because sometimes people aren’t in a place to love others, but they need all they can. You also have those peole that are still healing from a damaged relationships. Relationships that left them in shambles and they really need that friend.

I know how it feels on many occassions. There are times when I really need love but I am not in the capacity to reciprocate it.

This was on my heart for this morning because today i let go of that person. That person I wanted to be there forever but deep down knew i couldnt. That person that i fell in love with and will be forever apart of my soul. They are someone who is afraid to love because of their past hurt. Ive learned to love regardless. I cant be a robot amd hide my emotions. That’s not who I am. Tired of acting like I can be that person. Its just driving me crazy.

If your going through that and conflicted with letting go, let it motivate you more than anything. It hurts sometimes, but it’s better to live a life filled with love than live a life with regrets of not loving enough.

January 18, 2019 0

The Stalker in Us

Hey Ya’ll 👋🏾

So I’ve started a Netflix Original YOU. All I can say is it’s GOOD. While watching it I start to realize a lot of different things. Its not your typical guy stalking girl show. Its deeper than that. One everyone has that stalker instinct. We look up that new guy/girl. We check on our significant others and friends. We become obsessed every once in a while with something. Would you call that creepy or normalizing curiosity?

Also that Peaches is a real bitch. Everyone has or have had a Peach in their life. That one “friend” that cant stand to see you rise. That “friend” that has to interject themselves in your success some way or other. That “friend” that is single and cant stand to see you in a relationship. That “friend” that wants you all to themselves.

Gets you to thinking how do we attract such vile individuals. Well thats simple. Your too fucking awesome and they are jealous. At some point we have to let those individuals go. We have to just know. How though? Thats up to us. We can always keep them close once you’ve identified them so they dont sabotage us. We can also let them go. It’s all up to you and how you want to channel your energy. Me I chose to let em go. What about you?

January 15, 2019 0

Birthdays vs Time

Hey ya’ll! Birthdays are awesome to me. Another year older and wiser. Well yesterday was my little big brother’s 22nd birthday and today is my Meme Birthday! Im the over board type. Everything has to be perfect to me. Well in the mist of getting everything together I started to feel the need to rush. Almost felt like I was running out of time to get everything done. Then I thought about the post by #internetbestie.

I shouldnt rush things in life. If it shall be then it will fall in place and go according to plan. We forget to live and relax when it comes to certain things. During yours or another person’s birthday take the time and relax and enjoy the blessing of having another year. Having the ability to spend that birthday with the special individual is all that matter.